NORMAL LIFE: Importance Of Integration

It is the early hours of the morning and I have logged in because something is bugging me. One of Bree's 'deep' friends came round for drinks and, about an hour ago, they went out to have some drinks and do some dancing! Finally, I get a Saturday night to myself which, when you're in a relationship, is a rarity.

Instead of enjoying this rare piece of time to myself, however, I am feeling agitated. The Deep One was born in Germany, but moved to Finland when he was a toddler, just early enough to really integrate at all levels: culture, education, language, customs etc. Tonight, he spoke of a French girlfriend who has been living in Finland for fiteen years and, now 50+ years of age, has not learnt any Finnish whatsoever and is seeming somewhat 'lost'.

Reminded by the fact that yesterday was fifty days to the day when I depart for Australia, I spoke of my own exciting plans. He compared the French girlfriend's situation to mine when I mentioned that one of the things I am looking forward to is having everything in English: the option to study in English, access to English media etc.

The Deep One's French girlfriend feels frustrated when she can't understand what others are saying. Meanwhile, I bloody love it when I don't have to understand what others are saying. What the Deep-and-not-so-bloody-wise-One doesn't seem to realise is that I spent most of my childhood in silence. My deafness was so profound that I didn't absorb -nor did I ever enjoy - what are thought to be key parts of English culture.

I explained that, because of my hearing being the way it was and my related solitude, it is debatable whether or not I had even fully integrated into British society. Could it be that this undeliberate separatism through disability actually made it easier for me to leave England in the first place? Then the discussion got interesting: the Deep One asked me: "Where is your home?" and I immediately responded, with Bree nearby, that I honestly didn't know.

Deep down, I know that England isn't my home and, despite the fact that my Finnish isn't superb and, perhaps because of that, I haven't completed the path to true integration, I would like to consider Finland to be my home. Life is a journey and I honestly believe that, at 31, I still have a bit of exploring to do. Australia will probably be the last place I visit on what has been a whirlwind of discovering since being given the gift of hearing back in 2001.

So, why do I feel guilty for wanting to do this? If I had a choice between being a Finn and International, I would rather be an International. If that offends Finns to say that, then I am sorry, but our generation has the advantage of so many freedoms and I wish to utilise the freedom that our ancestors have fought to obtain. Without becoming too dramatic, however, I wish to restate that, at this moment in time, my plan is to go to Australia for one year and to return to Finland.

People's concern is understandable, however, because I have already left Finland once before. But let's backtrack: I left Finland because (a) I was being made redundant and (b) nearly everyone told me that I wouldn't be able to get another job because I didn't speak any Finnish. I proved them wrong when I was offered a job in May 2006 in a respectable role for an international firm. And guess what? I will prove them wrong again.

But will I make more of an effort to 'integrate' upon my return? Probably not. First of all, the limitations imposed on me by own officially recognised disability may prevent me from doing so, but we have to also consider that most of my friendships are based on the fact that the issue of nationality separates us yet, through English, unites us in ways more rich than if I were to meet another English person.

That is why I value my friends so much. Not only have they been fantastic in speaking my language, but I have learnt more from them than they could ever hope to learn from me! I acknowledge that here and now - you are all fantastic! I just wish the Deep One would look at the bigger picture and ask himself: how integrated are the Turks in Germany? Are they any less German because they may speak Turkish more often than German?