NORMAL LIFE: Standing Up To GI Jane

By nature, I'm not an aggressive person nor am I the conniving sort. I pretty much take people at face value although I sometimes regard people with a degree of suspicion upon first meeting; all of these qualities combined mean that I have a good judge of character. At least, this was the view I had of myself until an incident in a bar last night!

Yesterday was Vappu Eve (May Day Eve), one of the most eagerly awaited days off work in Finland. We landed at Helsinki airport at 10pm last night after an eight-day stay in Madeira (blog entry to follow soon). Rushing home by taxi, we freshened up and headed to our local gay bar, just a fifteen minute walk away. Already, the streets were littered with beer cans, lager packaging, broken bottles and a solitary, somewhat huge pile of sick which I dodged at the last minute! Yuck!

When we arrived, there were very few customers; we suspected that because May Day Eve was on a Monday this year, perhaps there wouldn't be so many people out. We were to be proved wrong; in the hour before midnight, lot's of pretty boys and girls (and lot's of god-awful ugly ones too) arrived, having already indulged somewhat in the national hobby of drinking. It wasn't long before the pushing and the shoving started on the dancefloor and the promiscuous started to implement their flirting skills.

I slowly drank my first Long Island Ice Tea (one of three, ouch!), somewhat flattered by a handsome guy who was giving me a more-than-casual glance over every now and then. At first, it was nice, but his stares got somewhat obsessive and, when I needed to pee at one point, the guy even followed me into the toilets. What is wrong with these people? I thought to myself. Just because of a nod in acknowledge of someone, does that mean I've acquiesced to a quick fumble? I told Bree of the incident when I returned to the dancefloor and he was pissing himself laughing!

With the 'being followed into the toilet incident' which made George Michael's antics in an LA toilet seem minor, it seemed that the night had just started. By 1am, the place was packed and JP (read about him here) was around. His presence wasn't a discreet one for he lunged towards Bree and gave him a warm hug, ignoring me completely. JP quickly released Bree and strode towards the bar. Meanwhile, Bree and I just stared at eachother, amazed by this totally rude act. Bree smiled at me in the way that told me to let it go, and I did.

We headed to the dancefloor where a totally new DJ was spinning some unusual combinations, cleverly combining 80s and 90s music with that of the new millenium. It all started with a remix of I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt (yes, they play that in the bars in Finland!) which was followed by Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up. Shortly afterwards, there was a number of Eurovision songs including my fave, Tornero, by Romania's Mihai Traistariu (who will perform at the club on May 9th apparently!). Then, just as I started to think that a Kylie Minogue song would be nice, our song, In Your Eyes, played. To my left, I noticed JP standing alone by the dancefloor, looking very much like someone who had alienated himself from who was once a good friend. It brought back memories because, four years ago, JP and I used to dance together to this song whenever it played. Not only was the song mine and Bree’s, but it had once been mine and JP’s.

The music continued it’s entertaining streak; it’s very rare that I know so many songs and after Madonna’s Hung Up played, it was time for me to hang up and chill for a bit. We had been standing on the edge of the dancefloor for less than half a minute when, suddenly, Bree’s drink had drenched my trousers. Apparently, a GI Jane lookalike (in fact, the worst kind of lesbian you can encounter) had stumbled onto Bree, with the domino effect being that his drink ended on me. I closed my eyes, urging myself to take a deep breath; why is it that my clothing acts as some kind of magnet for people’s drinks? Why is that these people have to drink so much so that they loose their ability to even remain upright?!

I opened my eyes and gave GI Jane a cursory glance. In her eyes, I detected an air of ignorance. No apology was forthcoming, in fact she merely looked through me. It was then that I realized I was in the company of one of them! This being the fourth time this year when my clothes have been used as if a beermat, my mind was thinking conflicting thoughts: ‘fight fire with fire’ versus ‘let it go’. I shocked myself when I lurched out and turned GI Jane’s drink on herself. An eye for an eye, I thought. The fury in her eyes was priceless, but while I was so shocked as to what I had done, I was equally fearful of her response. Harsh words were spoken which involved my first use of Finnish swear words.

GI Jane’s friend suggested I replace her drink to resolve the matter and I was thinking what planet are you on? It’s me who has wet trousers, you twat! Some of her friends gathered and it materialized that they were actually Estonian which went some way to explain their ignorant, uncivilized behaviour. Bree and I stood there defiantly, two well-built guys who weren’t gonna back down. Not this time! As the seconds passed, so did the threat. We slowly made our way away from the Estonians, cautious of any possible backlash. You don’t mess about with these lesbians, trust me!