NORMAL LIFE: Fathers With Something To Say

We are gay, and our father's have in the past made references to the fact that we don't have children. Bree and I have somewhat resigned ourselves to the fact that we were not intended to have children, at least biological children of our own. Furthermore, I personally think that society isn't ready for same-sex parents, and this puts me off even considering adoption or surrogate pregnancy.

When I returned to the UK last autumn, my father wasted no time in asking if I would ever consider having another relationship with a woman. Given the stress of coming out and the fact I had been in a relationship with another man for four years, I was surprised by this sudden question. My answer was simple: no. He said that getting married and having children were the best things that ever happened to him. Also, the arrival of his first grand daughter (and therefore the extension of his own procreation efforts) was a reason for further pride and joy. It was just the way he was saying it, as though I was going to regret it one day.

I had forgotten all about this until this Christmas when Bree had a similar experience with his father. Bree's father thought it appropriate to ask Bree, who had just turned 40, if he was planning to reconsider his 'lifestyle' and start a family. Again, I find this odd, given that I have been in Bree's life now more than five years. Truth be told, Bree has never really discussed his sexuality with his family, but surely his father couldn't be that naive? During the conversation, Bree was compared to his brother who is married with two young children.

And then a couple of days ago, I called my father for a quick chat during which I asked how my lovable three year old neice was. "She's fine," he said "but have you considered having your sperm frozen?" I was shocked by this sudden question, not sure how to answer or how it fit into the context of our conversation. "Um, no...why do you ask?" I replied. He went on to explain that some gay couples have surrogate mothers for their babies and freezing sperm is common practise these days. When I said that I really hadn't thought about having children, he seemed dismayed as if judging me for having some kind of control over my own life.

The moral of this story is that raising your children doesn't end when they reach adulthood. It's a lifelong journey. As much as I somehow admire those who have children and are able to watch their children grow up, just thinking of the way I behaved during my adolescence puts me off having my own children. On a deeper level, I can’t help but feel that the older generation tend to live through their children and it is for this reason that I want to hang onto my own individuality rather than place all my expectations, hopes and dreams on a child; it’s easier to do that than realise your own hopes and dreams.