NORMAL LIFE: Mustn't Grumble

A refreshing change from the foreign-who-know-nothing authors who like to indulge in incessant ranting about all things English, Mustn't Grumble is a frank and, embarrassingly, true account of life in England today.

The author, Joe Bennett, a Brit who has lived in New Zealand for most of his adult life is heading towards his fifties. He decides to retrace the steps of an even older author by the name of Morton who toured - and wrote about - English in the 1920s.

Bennett's 21st Century account starts with a Scots guy asking a Cornish guy (in Singapore, suprisingly) if he kens the other guy in the room, the one they used to call a streak of piss!

Bennett's intention was to hitch-hike across England, often recalling the good old days when hitching was all the rage. In modern English, however, he quickly learns that no one is trusting - nor stupid - enough to give him a lift so he calls a friend in Birmingham and borrows a car for his travels.

Bennett tells of one incident where, at 10am at a service station, he notices a team of St. Helen's rugby supporters bearing crates of beer and tits. Bear in mind that these supports are men. Men with tits? That's quite English these days. Football shirts are now made of silk' material 'like sexy lingerie' and the author also notices that school girls are dressed like slappers and, on trains, the youth are scary, ignorant things.

Bennett summarises the Daily Star newspaper as 'just tits and television' and then you start to realise that this guy is really telling it as it is. One particular thing I related to was Bennett's inability to engage people in conversation, feeling that he has lived abroad too long and forgotten 'how' to communicate the good old English way.

On his way around England, he deduces that the crappy tourist attactions at St. Ives need bombing, hears nothing but effing and blinding in Morecambe and gets laid, to his own apparent surprise, in Hull.

England is known throughout the world for its diverse accent system and this is one of the things that the author frequently confronts on his travels. He also notices that there is a kind of 'conduct', which only the English preserve. Like myself, he has also noticed how the media has fostered fear, indicating that just around the corner, you're led to believe that something bad could or might or will happen!

I didn't learn anything from this book, but it confirmed my own views of modern England which, in the six years I have been away, has changed immensely: happy-slapping, chavs and bling are words that didn't even exist when I lived in England; the country has been flooded with immigrants; the traffic and health systems have got worse not better; and kids (I'm talking about 30-year olds) still can't afford to leave home.

But there's something about being English that makes you proud and it certainly isn't because of the football, or the fish and chips or the fact that there's a long-standing, unswerving Queen as head of state. England hasn't been invaded since the last lot of Normans reached our lands. While our history has probably been among the most bloodiest, I believe that this relative independence has helped to make England the collective yet unique place that it is. The question is: can it save itself before the last strands of English tradition disappear?